Thoughts on Love, Community and the Self

Tyla Currie

In this first issue of Vizz News, we decided to focus on ‘Love’ as a theme. We wanted to explore what Love means today, how we define it, how it shows up in our lives, and how we express it or not. We wanted to explore Love in all its incarnations, not only romantic love.

I started to think about community, self-concept, and interpersonal relationships. With all that's happening in the world, community is a big focus for everyone, including me.

Did you know that spending time with friends, family, and community is more important for your health than what you eat? It affects our health by 40%, while changes in diet and lifestyle only affect our well-being by about 30%. This idea comes from something called the Social Determinants of Health (SDH). You might have heard about it on TikTok, but you can find more information at goinvo.com (see the graph below). Research shows that things we can't control impact our health more than what we can control. But why does this matter? Even in tough times, building community and support systems isn't out of our hands. This is important because our society focuses on individuals, influenced by Western colonization.

In Western societies, the focus is often on individuals, while non-Western or indigenous communities focus on community. Industrialization, Capitalism, and Corporations profit from us feeling unsupported. They want us to focus on ourselves, and how we can 'be better' than those around us. This helps sell products and prevents trust in our community.

Since we've become more focused on the self, we've been completely disconnected from our local and global communities. Especially if those issues aren’t affecting us as individuals. That said, we're noticing more focus on community lately. People are protesting, educating each other about global issues, boycotting, and paying attention to what's happening worldwide.

But, according to Hinge’s new D.A.T.E Report about Gen-Z relationships, we have trouble making real connections and are afraid to be open. Now this Vizz article isn’t about romantic relationships. But it is interesting to point out that the same topics addressed in Hinge’s D.A.T.E. Report can be applied to friendships and community as well. We are afraid to put ourselves out there. Also, the report finds that Gen-Z are seeking love more than ever, with over 50% seeing themselves as romantics. This is also where we start to see issues.

We're seeing more situationships, misunderstandings, or unhealthy relationships where people don’t want to leave because they fear being alone. This is because, as mentioned earlier, Gen-Z wants love but is afraid of being open. This can lead to relationships where we make our romantic partner our whole village or rather community. Belgian Psychotherapist Esther Perel discusses this in her Talk 'The Power of Relational Intelligence' and her SXSW Talk 'Modern Love and Relationships' (I recommend watching them). She talks about how in modern dating, we expect our romantic partner to be our best friend, support system, etc., and more. In the past, they say it took a whole community, and it should still be that way. We should have various people in our lives to meet different needs, instead of expecting one person to do everything.

But sometimes that can be out of our control, we may not even realize we are expecting so much from our romantic partners.

So how does this all tie in together? Well, based on the research I’ve done as well as lived experience it seems that we often think lowly of ourselves and lack confidence, which makes us afraid to take risks. We crave love and connection but tend to seek them solely through romantic relationships. We want to be more involved in our community but often feel overwhelmed or scared to try. We find it hard to form genuine and healthy connections because we fear rejection or ending up alone, so we lack strong support systems.

That’s a lot, but it seems like we are all going through it. Knowing about the issues we're facing can empower you. You're not alone, and we all want love and connection. Everyone should learn about our connections and ways to improve self-image and relationships. Here are some tips to begin with that I found helpful.

• Intentionality with community and relationships

  • One of the best things we can do is to intentionally care for our relationships and think about our actions in them. Instead of doing things without much thought. So how does one get involved in the community and do so intentionally? Begin by reaching out to your friends, even with a simple message. Don't hesitate to be the first one to reach out after some time. A kind message letting someone know you're thinking about them can make a big difference, as we never know what someone is going through. Learn from them, and whenever you can, be kind and open. If you see someone you want to be friends with online, message them - you have nothing to lose. Begin by looking into community events near you and gradually start attending them. With so many problems in the world, getting involved in your local community is a small but very important step. Take time to learn more about issues that speak to you, and do more than watch a TikTok about it, give it a Google and read an article or two. It's about being deliberate. Schedule time in your calendar to text or call a friend, meet in person, attend a protest, or spend an hour reading about an issue you care about. Selfishly, one way to boost your self-image is to assist someone else, giving yourself proof that you're a good and kind person. Eventually, you'll believe it because you are.

    
    

• Relationship Audit

  • Take a moment to consider the relationships in your life. Think about which ones are important to you and which ones cause you pain. Which ones would you like to improve? Where do you feel your needs are not met? If you're in a romantic relationship, consider if you can meet that need yourself or from a friend, or family member. What do you want from all your relationships and how can you be a better or more active partner in that relationship? Sometimes we have to decide to stop spending time with someone and stick to it. Other times, we can limit how much they're involved in our lives without cutting them out. Some relationships might be too damaged to fix, and it's important to be honest about that. But some can be saved. We need to think about what the relationship means to us, how it would improve our lives if the problems were solved and it became healthy again, and whether it's worth the effort. We need to honestly recognize our faults and areas for improvement in each relationship. This doesn't mean being too hard on ourselves or blaming ourselves entirely for problems. We should be honest about all aspects of the relationship, including our role. Genuine connection starts with honesty.

    
    

• Give All The Compliments

  • Don't hesitate to brighten someone's day, even if you're nervous about rejection or embarrassment. These fears hold us back from real connections. If you think that a stranger walking past has a cute dress or a cool bag, never be afraid to tell them. 9 times out of 10, they will be so happy and you probably made them happy. I began doing this a few months ago, and it's boosted my confidence and reduced my fear of rejection (though I still have progress to make). It was heartwarming to see people happy and smiling. Do this with your friends as well! We don’t compliment the people in our lives enough. Try to be creative or intentional with your compliments (it's nice to hear you look good, but it's also good to tell them what they mean to you). Example: "Hey, I wanted to say that you’re one of the most creative people I know and your passion is inspiring”. It can feel nicer to hear something like that than just compliments about how you look when you go out. While there's nothing wrong with those compliments, it's good to be more open and sincere. I started doing this a few months ago and I've seen a big improvement in my relationships. Now, I am much closer to the people in my life.

• Self-Concept

  • This is hard, this is something that has taken me years and it has only started working so I don’t claim to know anything. Based on research and my own experience, here's what I can tell you: the things I've talked about above not only strengthen connections with your community and support networks but encourage healthier, more meaningful relationships. They've also helped me improve my self-image (which I'm still working on). Having healthier relationships has removed a lot of insecurity in my life, having strong support systems has positively affected my health, and actively involving myself in my community helps with my imposter syndrome. Moreover, it's important to learn not to fear solitude. Try to go on solo dates, take care of yourself, build a strong relationship with yourself, and learn not to be overly concerned with the outcome. When going on solo dates, it's important to plan ahead. Think about a fun date you would like to have with a romantic partner, and then treat yourself to that experience. Afterward, reflect on how it made you feel. Think about what you enjoy doing and your hobbies. Take time to do things just for yourself (you don’t have to share everything). Spend time learning about yourself—what you value, what you like and don’t like, what gives you energy, and what drains you. Journaling can be very helpful too, I hate to admit it because I tried it for years but it can be. I stopped worrying about my appearance and started focusing on how I wanted to feel. Instead of thinking about what I wanted others to do for me, I considered how I wanted to treat them. I used affirmations to remind myself of how I wanted to feel. I created a playlist that made me feel happy and confident. I started walking to stay active and feel good, not to change my body. And I’ve been doing this for years but something clicked about 5 months ago when I started to want to just be okay with myself and wasn't aiming to love myself. Something clicked when I surrounded myself with people who genuinely cared for me and made me feel good. Something clicked when I was finally honest with myself and others about my feelings and my boundaries. Something clicked when I started to prioritize the things I'm interested in and made me feel passionate and excited. Something clicked when I was creative just to be creative and just to have fun. When I actually started to not focus on the outcome but instead on how I felt in the moment I noticed a huge shift, it’s not easy and I had to fake it till I made it. But that’s my best advice right now, we’ve heard it a thousand times, I’ve heard it a thousand times and it never seemed to work so I ignored it - I didn’t want it to be true, but it does work eventually. And honestly it is still a journey I’m on now.

Love is hard, relationships can be complicated, self-concept is confusing, and community can be complex but it’s all important. I hope that this article at least helped some of you feel better or less alone. Know that we all want to love and be loved, and we are stumbling around just trying to figure it out and somehow it will be okay.

• References

  • - Artiga, S., & Hinton, E. (2018). Beyond Health Care: The Role of Social Determinants in Promoting Health and Health Equity. KFF.

  • - Bettache, K. (2023). How Capitalism Shapes The Mind. Psychology Today.

  • - Choi, E., & Sonin, J. (n.d.). Determinants of Health. GoInvo.

  • - Cole, A., & Ferrarese, E. (2018). How Capitalism Forms Our Lives. Taylor & Francis Online.

  • - Gómez-López, M., Viejo, C., & Ortega-Ruiz, R. (2019). Well-Being and Romantic Relationships: A Systematic Review in Adolescence and Emerging Adulthood. National Library of Medicine.

  • - Hinge. (2024). Hinge Gen Z D.A.T.E. Report 2024.

  • - Hinge. (n.d.). Hinge’s First Gen Z Report Reveals Top Dating Trends and Tips to Find a Relationship in 2024.

  • - Leighton, M. (n.d.). Gen Zers are crying about their breakups in viral TikTok videos — and therapists say that may actually be a good thing. Business Insider.

  • - Madigan, M. (n.d.). Gen Z Women Are Baring All After Breakups in this Vulnerable New Trend. New York Post.

  • - Obioma, C. (2017). Africa Has Been Failed By Westernisation. It Must Cast Off Its Subservience. The Guardian.

  • - Perel, E. (n.d.). Modern Love and Relationships. SXSW 2018 YouTube.

  • - Perel, E. (n.d.). The Power of Relational Intelligence. Creative Mornings HQ YouTube.

  • - Perel, E. (n.d.). Why Modern Love is So Damn Hard. Esther Perel Blog.

  • - Pradeepa, S. (2023). How Does Self-Concept Affect Communication. Believe in Mind.

  • - Research Gate. (2010). The Effects of Western Civilisation and Culture on Africa.

  • - Sherrell, Z. (2021). What Are Social Determinants of Health? Medical News Today.

  • - UChicago News. (n.d.). How the Loss of Community Threatens Society with Raghuram Rajan (Ep. 26) Transcript. Big Brains Podcast.

  • - WHO. (n.d.). Social Determinants of Health.